I have two versions for the trip, or for virtually everything I go through. One version is for others to see and possibly laugh at, and a much more complicated, delicate and sadder version for myself to remember and relive.  It's not about sincerity, rather, it's that I would have expectations for you when I am pouring my heart. And the chance is good that I will be disappointed. I never try so that you never fail me .

 

Version 1（男女通用， 老少咸宜）: 本来想用四天时间在甲板上把自己的皮肤晒成蜜糖色。 可是甲板上很冷， 风很大， 一个在躺椅上的时间不超过30分钟， 还是用7条毯子把自己裹成木乃伊状。 游船上近距离接触名人若干。洪晃很热情---我和名人拍照居然戴墨镜的人是我。看了黄品源和蔡健雅的现场演出。  黄品源聪明但是太想迎合大众， 又或者他本是凡人一个。 蔡健雅不错，喜欢她的声音， 还有比她还大牌的吉他。赌场让我失望， 没有想象中的glamourous, 看来我是应该去Las Vegas.  船上的staff很热情， 特别ready to be flirted. 哈哈。 一路上调戏人无数。 满船都是寻找艳遇的人。 如果libido也是海洋垃圾， 游轮所到之处海水一定变的像橙汁一样黄（不知道为什么我觉得libido是黄色的）。

 

船上我最喜欢的地方是船尾的cafe。白天这里很安静， 通常只有一个pianist+soloist。 选一个靠窗的座位，把头一扭 ，见到的便全是蓝色的，咫尺之遥的海面， 和明晃晃的阳光。 只有在这里， 才可以和自己待上一会儿。 

 

Version 2:

 

I went on the trip to get away. Being kept in a space of no more than 4 floors of common area for four days, however, I felt like I was literally "cornered". There's nothing wrong with the ship really---being in a crowd is in some sense beauty of a cruise trip.

 

 

I am tired , sorry. have to go to bed, mommy.

 

Kathy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

摇晃， 在海上， 四天三夜。

 

游轮没想象中的那么大， 比不得移动的Riz Carlton. 房间的私密性也没有那么好， 在这里尖叫， 隔壁房间就以为有人落水。

 

手机没有信号，房间又太小， 再private的人也只能出来和人socialize。 于是满船人互为娱乐.

 

天真点的， 还以为真的遇到了知己。 当然， 大部分的天真是装出来的， 好让对方入戏。

 

连我这样每天喝“转角（遇到爱）”奶茶以提升自己serendity概率的天真少女都可以看得穿。

 

困了， 要去睡了。 希望改天续写的时候心里没有那么多的cynicism.

 

明儿继续“转角”。  

 

休假+新年， 一共休息了十几天。

 

没有用脑子。 扔下了black swan, 开始看故作呻吟的张小娴。 换了classical, 在酷狗上下载

beyonce的if I were a boy. 发现很久没有听富士山下， 重温了一下，时时提醒自己爱的痛。 免得自己一不小心飞到天上去。

 

换了新的手机。 去best buy的时候， 他们问要什么样的， 我说要好看的。 然后开始用新手机发没有内容的短信。

 

重新布置了书房， 买了新的红酒杯。

 

从内衣到外套， 提振中国消费尽绵薄之力。 这个月的信用卡单让人担心。

 

看了岁末烂片若干。 非诚勿扰让我对小刚很失望， 很失望。 梅兰芳还行， zi yi zhang 还是那么美好。 不过还是太沉重。 为什么非要舍弃那么多， 非要那么孤单呢。 和自己爱的人， 谈谈恋爱， 看看电影多好。 凯歌真是残忍。 反正也不是霸王别姬， 搞得温情一点多好。 让我出来走在回家的路上可以不要那么冷。

 

醉酒一次， 不省人事。 那天晚上sleep like a baby. 第二天智商还是low teens。

 

还不错，这节过的。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hey new year,

 

If I may request, could you please be gentle and warm to me?

 

 

 

I still remember writing short little diaries in German with simple words and phrases. Sentences were invariably short. But I felt I was putting down the feelings closest to my heart. I am thinking, maybe I should pick up my German again. So One day,  I might write you in the language you spoke onlywith your close families that I still think of you from time to time. I will be sweet and gentle. No butterfly in stomach, I promise.

 

I met someone who looks like you today when my iPod randomly picked up Traurigier Sonntag. He has the same curly hairs as yours and the same eyes of melancholy. He smiled at me and I smiled back. That moment was surreal.----It felt like we me again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trauriger Sonntag, dein Abend ist nicht mehr weit
Mit schwarzen Schatten teil ich meine Einsamkeit
Schließ ich die Augen, dann seh ich sie hundertfach
Ich kann nicht schlafen, und sie werden nie mehr wach
Ich seh' Gestalten ziehn im Zigarettenrauch
Lasst mich nicht hier, sagt den Engeln ich komme auch
Trauriger Sonntag

过去。。。。

 

敢不敢 不写作文 上课现编， 我敢

敢不敢 在课堂上把男老师弄哭 我敢

敢不敢 画一张票进话剧院看演出 我敢

敢不敢 在警察局教训值班民警不准抽烟 我敢

敢不敢 在28楼后的银杏树下向你表白    我敢

敢不敢  在没有offer的时候辞职离开  我敢

敢不敢  去没有朋友的小岛 仅仅因为有你在 我敢

 

现在。。。。

敢不敢 先爱

 

我不敢

 

 

 

“你的眼泪是我的钻石。“

这是我说过的最感动自己的一句话。

 结果，那个男人被吓跑了。

 

后来，我就学会了说

“我要2 carat, Tiffany. VVS, F色“

 

 

 

我的沐浴液

 

是热情果。

 

赤裸裸的激情，

 

清洗我的罪

 

很适合我，

 

我想

 

灵魂和肉体。

 

 

 

 

如果说，黄浦江是孕育上海的子宫，

那么，长长的外滩就是上海的阴道。

 

凡是来到上海的人，

必要到这里走一走，留个影

 

便以为

占有了 上海。

小时候，因为得过一个屁大点的作文奖，曾经幻想长大要当作家。

 

初一的时候，碰见一个语文老师，给我寄张明信片， 说我非剧作家诗人莫属。

 

T老师真是善良。

 

若干个若干年过去了，我没有写成一个剧本，或者小说。

 

虽然每次失恋都很想写，但是还没有构思好开头，就已经被我没心没肺的忘记了。

 

我不喜欢呻吟， 不管痛还是不痛， 这儿不是床。

 

我想要说，我想要你笑，

 

我不要沉重。 我连女儿的名字都想好了，叫轻轻， 不管她的瞳仁什么颜色，不管他的爸爸会不会发这个音。

 

我要在这里肆无忌惮， 百无禁忌。

 

不要评判我。这里是我的地盘。

 

我理想的生活：

 

每天7点起床，shower,

不吹干，把眼睛化成 Lucy Lu,

光脚踩着高跟鞋，

裹着大衣，

往头发上洒Bulgari.

 

冲到大街上。

 

叫着"Taxi", 一定要把重音放在最后一个音节，

在招手的同时还要乘机自然的录出美好的小腿。

 

车停在 "xxNN, 或者xxBC"大楼前，

有人为我开门，说着英式的"Morning, Madam"

侧头对他微笑，

抬着头走进旋转的门。

 

买一杯Vanilla Latte, Tall, 捧在手上， 看表，还有5分钟。

 

到编辑室， 看Market Opening 的新闻稿，

 

熟悉隔夜出的经济数据和美国，欧洲市场表现。

 

和在Japan, Australia Trading floor 的Fabor and Christien 聊一聊亚洲市场早盘表现，

 

和我的搭档， mentor聊一聊他的看法。

 

倒数三下，

 

camera就对着我了，感觉好像全世界都在看我说话。

 

评论风格：factual,, incisive, passionate.

 

Like the market matters.

不要stupid 的微笑。

 

要cool, intelligent and sexy.

 

做完早盘报道，

 

中午去只有beautiful people的 gym.

 

挥汗如雨。

 

卸掉lucy lu的眼线。

 

下午看资料，写稿子。 最好可以再一个人的靠窗的座位上。如果可以溜出来，我要去madarin oriental.

 

晚上7点下班， 不要blackberry.

 

和朋友catch up. 我们之间只有餐桌，没有墙。

 

回到家， 开灯， 放水， 倒wine.

 

躺在浴缸里，喝点小酒， 哼着i am in a New York State of Mind.

 

裹着浴袍， 光脚走到客厅的落地窗前。 在23层眺望眼前的城市，

感谢上帝对我的慷慨与恩宠。

 

11pm, 在满足和平静中走进卧室。

 

11:15pm, 整个房间一片漆黑。

 

我不害怕。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

下午2点，是个和医生的预约。 父亲和我将被告知他脑部的核磁共振结果。

 

情况1：如医生的料想，那么父亲上周五在游泳时， 他脑部的一个小小的血管突然破裂---或是我们平常说的中风。

 

结果：我一定要很坚强。从此以后，我就是真的家长了。

 

情况2：虚惊一场。 运动过度造成的乏力感。

结果：没收我爸的游泳卡，山地车。 继续我没心没肺的快乐生活。买张画着等高线的中国地图， 把海拔2000以上区域画上密密麻麻的小地雷， 挂在客厅，警示我爸靠近雷池半步。然后给他买一些青藏高原的DVD, 供他yy.

 

在奇点附近的轻微扰动将使我生命的无理方程得到两个完全不一样的解。

 

真的那么冰冷吗？生活， 像个方程？

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went to people's park this afternoon. Dont' take me wrong. I was going for an exhibition. But instead, I ran into this huge match making event in the park and thought, alrite, since I was here, I am gonna check out how the market is.

 

The whole place had about 300 parents, all holding a simplied resume of their sons and daughters.

How old are you?

How tall are you?

Where do you work?

For boys:

How much do you make?

Have you bought an apartment? How many percentage still on mortgage?

 

And for girls:

How pretty are you? (Preferrably, you could give out your beauty Ranking # in school)

 

In less than 5 lines, people decide whether you could be "the one" for their beloved son and daughter.

 

So.... despite that I don't(and I guess I am not the only one here) understand who I am and what I am about and have been racking my brain

everyday, reading, thinking, travelling, trying to figure out this million dollar question, people "sized us up" in less than four lines. You could have all the depth in the world, but your identity is within 4 lines, 30 words, 180 letters.

 

It's a little bit sad. But it's cruelly true. Speed dating is just another example. You give yourself away quicker than you thought. Or more precisely, people judge you who you are quicker than you thought.

 

Dangerous, VERY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn't sleep. It wasn't because I am having an all night party or because I simply miss some one's smile. No, I don't have such luxury. I am staying up all night checking fortune teller, horoscope's website trying to find traces of evidence that could support a decision that I am about to make, or really have made already.

 

I knew I sounded pathetic. But we all have moments of self doubt and we all need assurance sometimes even absurd. I am not even sure what is holding me back. After making decisions with my gut feelings for five years none of which seemed work out, I began to resort to other ways when making decisions. I wouldn't say all my decisions were bad. It was fine. I had explored a lot of areas both intellectually and at a personal development area, it seems to me that for career, I'd better use what I am best at, rather than what I lack most, or areas to develop.

 

As some of you may know, I am from a very quantitiave background and I loved mathematics. But for all those years, I have been writing, entertaining, building garbage in , garbage out models with calculation no more complicated than division. For the latest couple of months, I have been dealing with people intensively. I guess I am not a people person as I suspected. I am in fact quite clueless around people. Now with my nerdy glasses and artlessness, I am about go into something with numbers, concepts and graphs, which I keep my fingers crossed that I could do well.

 

Fears, fears, fears are my best guest. I let them in without them knocking on the door .They soon filled the room and squeezed the moment of victory to corner. Dancing on the table is the ego.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

母亲已经睡了。我能听到她轻轻的鼾声。有妈妈睡在身边，小小的房间温暖而安详。

 

很久没有打开ｓｐａｃｅ了。两年前的秋天去了那个不分季节的地方，就一直忙忙碌碌，起起伏伏的。

 

发生了很多事，遇到了一些人，受了一点伤。

终于在去年冬天跟我有ｈａｒｂｏｕｒ　ｖｉｅｗ，　ｓｗｉｍｍｉｎｇ　ｐｏｏｌ的　ａｐａｒｔｍｅｎｔ　说再见。

 

 

还是回来吧。妈妈，我想家了，想你还有爸爸了。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read a letter from Dean, Law School of Beida today and there are some points I share.

 

1. life is not a contest and you don't have to compete against your peers, your past schoolmates or your future colleagues. That you are are successul by conventional standards so far don't mean you have to continue to be so for the rest of your life. You can be ordinary. It's fine.

2. Don't complain. Otherwise you can spend your whole life doing it.

3. Dots in life will link in a way not foreseeable. That's why you don't have to regret that you made a wrong decision or that you wasted some time on sth worthless.

4.Try to spend more time with family and friends and be emotionally gratified.

5. Be happy, first and last.

 

 

1. Never complain so long as you are still junior, about pay, or anything else. Be accomodating, as much as you can.

 

2. Play low key. Talk less. Be laid back, but not about work.

3. Work wise, protect yourself and manage your boss' expectation. Bottom, don't damage health.

4. Don't talk when emotionally unstable. You are gonna regret every word you say. Don't make important decisions when emotionally unstable.

5. Don't regret about decisions once made.

6. Boss is boss, first and fore most, never buddy, no matter how much he seems to be. Please him. let him feel he's the boss and that you admire him, respect him, adore him and that he is just your role model. Make him happy. Do whatever you can.

 

All rite. So much for today.

 

 

 

in my long holiday,

 

Lu Yi(yes, THE Luyi, movie star),

toshiba president, china,

dell ex president, china,

Boeing ex spokeswoman

Focus Media vice general manager,

Vice Director, Jiang Xiaoxiao,

Ding and Minni, two top drama directors in Canada,

Chief Picture Editor, City Picture,Shenjiang services,

Photographer, Dong fang daily.

President, Galaxy Securities.

 

Andrew,liukun,suli,duanmu, shifang, guoling, haoxiang, chenzhuo and many other interesting ppl....

 

some of them i met at the cafe next door where

 

I read

 

One hundred years of solitude,

Buffet way,

Peter Lynch,

Guns, Germs and Steels,

Blink,

The most successful salesman,

Options, futures and other derivatives,

Guidebook to Actors

 

 

 

 

 

每天睡到自然醒， 通常是10点左右。

 

下楼逛一圈， 买份早报。然后一边吃苹果，喝酸奶，一边翻报纸。 等看完娱乐版，差不多就到中午了。

 

和以前的同事一起去吃午饭。两个人在博多要三个小菜，两个汤。

 

下午去上戏对面的露天cafe。一杯果汁， 一本书。 有时能遇见一些摄影记者，导演，演员一类的神人。 和他们胡侃一番，很有意思。都是非常有意思的人。

 

回家看一下自己的portfolio里的股票今日表现如何。通常都是赢了钱不肯卖，看着跌下来， 跟坐过山车一样。 也算有点小意思。

 

哈，然后就是晚餐时间了。和老朋友catch up.

 

然后散步回家。 给家里打电话。看张碟。

 

睡觉。

 

给自己放了个长假。 感觉真好。

 

 

It was the name of a photo exhibition I went to this evening by the magazine City Pictorials. It was a picture collection of a dozen also youngsters born in 1980s, all taken at their most personal place, their home, admist the material wealth/belongings they've accumulated over the years. There are consultants, auditors, those following conventional paths and there are also photographers, writers, athletes, and other free lancers.

 

Each person has a photo and a paragraph of description and some Q&As below the picture and now I am trying to answer the questions here, as an effort to be closer to you and to myself.

 

How would you define/describe yourself?

A person exploring and trying to discover herself.

 

What inspires you?

good conversation, people true to themselves and live themselves, spring.

 

What makes you crazy about them?

low male voice in a language I don't know. Good body. Good prose.

 

Three things you like most in your room?

Books, CDs, Computer.

 

What is your latest accomplishment?

Feeling safe after abandoning an important part of identity.

 

When you want sex, how would you say it?

Wear perfume with scents of seduction.

 

Five things that has most impact on you(books, ppl, anything)?

Eucledian Geometry, my father, High school physics teacher, Singapore, David.

 

What do you despise most?

I try not to despise anything. I try to respect every way of living, so long as ppl don't hurt others.

 

Are you happy with your current material well being status?:

 

NO.

 

What philosopher influenced you most?

Albert Einstein.

 

What do you want to do in the future?

Be true to myself and be happy.

 

From the various answers they have below the picture, I have the feeling that conventional valuse system is collapsing among 1980s. They each have different value systems and they want to express and live themselves. They are after material well being-that's for sure-ut it doesn't necessarily come with a name of a prestigeious company or a school and conventional social status system doesn't hold any more. As someone from 80s too, I am very happy to see it and I will call it a huge social progress we are each looking to live ourselves.

 

We are a generation being emancipated, heart and soul.